The Unanswerable... what an adventure

Yesterday as we were driving (where all deep theological questions happen lately), Marshal said it confused him a bit - how God is God, and God is Jesus' dad, and Jesus is ALSO God.  

He's five, mind you. 

And I gave him some slightly lame explanation about an egg having three parts, but all still being an egg.  "Does that make sense?" I asked him.  "No, not really," he said.  

I was trying to explain to him a concept that has baffled people for ages.  I was trying to define an infinite God.  Trying to explain the unfathomable.  Trying to box into our own understanding that which cannot be understood.  In a way, stopping his critically thinking heart from embracing the wonder of God.  

I went back to Marsh today.  I told him I was sorry.  "For what?" He asked.  For making it seem like I have God all figured out.  "God is big and smart and amazing. And there are lots of things that I can't quite make sense of." And that's what makes God GOD. And that's ok.  

And if I think about it... It makes for an amazing adventure. All the things I crave: purpose, love, revelation, the supernatural - are all found in a loving, passionate, and very real God. And I don't understand everything.  I don't have to repackage the unknown into something explainable.  Actually, in doing so, I take the wonder out of God completely. 

But there are some things I DO understand.  Like that HE knows and understands EVERYTHING.  That he can be trusted, because he is good and because he loves me.  I don't have to grasp the ins and out of eternity and the godhead.  But wow, what an amazing God.  He leaves me in wonder.  Awestruck, way-cool, worshipful, wonder. 

Letter to Mac

Dear McKale, Mac, Macky, Macaroni, Mac and Cheese - 

Hey baby.  I love you so much.  We just celebrated your first birthday.  You are AMAZING.  I am so very proud of you.  You are FUN.  You make faces.  You talk.  You nuzzle tight into my neck - usually the left side.  You are eating all kinds of foods.  You are starting to drink milk.  You like to give drooly kisses.  You like to kiss yourself in the mirror.  You like playing with your brothers.  You're different than your brothers in that you can entertain yourself - for a really long time.  You crawl like a bullet to any open toilet and start splashing in it.  You are SWEET.  You love men - Dada, Uncles, Tell, Greg... you'd rather be with them than ladies any day.  You're a great nurser, and this of course makes me so happy. 

Thank you for being my baby.  You'll always be my baby, you know.  I can see in you gifts already.  You have a joy in you, and you bring joy to others.  You are smart.  Determined.  You are called by God to do great things.  Whatever it is you do in your life, I'll always be your number one fan.  Honor God in everything you do okay?  He won't EVER let you down.  You can trust Him in ALL things, no matter what those things look like to you or me.  

I love you baby.

Mama

Goodbye Happy Tuesdays!

We have had a tradition in our home, called "Happy Tuesdays."  Tuesday is the day of the week where the whole day usually has no plans.  Just Mama home with the babies.  Enjoying fun things, playing together, going on outings, making crafts, doing something outside.  Just laid back fun.  No pressure, no agenda.  

Tomorrow starts the beginning of a whole new season in our lives.  Tomorrow I start working full-time.  My feelings are mixed.  We've been planning for the change for a few months now, so nothing abrupt or hasty.  Up to this point my hours have been slim, initially when Marshal was born I only worked Fridays, then as the boys have been born, grown, my hours have been slowly increasing, until LAST week I worked my last part-time week of 16 hours.  

I've never been a full-time SAHM.  But my time has always be MOSTLY at home.  I've been quite outspoken about how important that is.  In fact I idealized it and maybe even idolized  it a tad.  Maybe wore it as a bit of a parenthood badge, and if I'm REALLY honest was even a little judgmental of people who's lives weren't set up that way.   Well isn't it just like God to shake up our ideals that rely on ourselves instead of Him.  

So here we are, now feeling that God is leading us into a new season where I'm working more.  And most days I'm very excited about the change.  However, some days I have a little bit of a heavy heart.  So in remembrance of "Happy Tuesdays" I wanted to wallow, just for one post, on the beauty that has been in the season up until now, or well, tomorrow.   Sappy I know, but once again I'm pulling the my blog/my party/I'll-cry-if-I-want-to card.  And then I'll move on.  Move on with the amazing things that are ahead.  The amazing season we're stepping into. 

So here are some pictures of things I'll miss from Happy Tuesdays:

Spending the day in yoga pants.

Dropping off Marshal at preschool and going on a coffee-date with THIS handsome boy.

Playing for hours (literally) at our favorite park.

 Seeing THIS happy face when I pick him up at school.

Crafts.

Naps.

Sleepy swings.

I love my boys.  Oh man do I ever.  So I'm remembering the season of part-time with joy and thankfulness.  But I'm also looking ahead with joy and thankfulness.  I'm thankful for my sweet boys.  I'm thankful for Miss Jodi, who loves and cares for my boys so deeply.  I'm thankful for my church, where my husband works a flexible schedule, and is able to pick up Marshal from school, and have Fridays/Saturdays off.  I'm thankful for my dad (Papa) who also faithfully spends time weekly with the boys... all three kids under four, yes he is amazing.  I'm thankful for an education that has helped me find a ridiculously amazing job.  I'm thankful for a job like no other - in an economy like no other.  I'm thankful for the things we've learned, in the seasons we've lived.  I don't take a day for granted.  (Pictures from our last "Happy Tuesday.")

And starting this week we will be having "HAPPY FRIDAYS"  instead.   

Men Someday

I had a realization the other day as I was holding a jammied Marshal.  Right now he is so cuddly.  And he adores his Mama.  We could snuggle all day.  He was up on my lap with his legs to his chest and playing with my hair.  Suddenly I started thinking about how big he's getting, how he hardly fits.  And I asked him, "Marshal, will you still let me hold you when you're six feet tall?"  To which he answered, "Yes Mama, I PROMISE."  As if that wasn't enough to make this already hormonal Mama cry, I then realized that this little boy I was holding will someday be... a man.   Uh - I will someday be the Mama of three... men.  This startled me quite a bit.  I love being a boy mom, will I love being a man mom?  I sure hope so.

The Guilt of It All

I feel guilty a lot. 


Some recents:
My kids eat McDonalds, even Taco Bell. 
Today I let Mason eat a bagel off the hotel carpet. 
I shouldn't be so rushed all the time. 
I should let them just be boys. 
Do I let them watch too much TV? 
(Even as I'm typing this I want to justify my actions to you...
including that it was a very clean hotel.) 
I don't buy organic.
I only recycle because it means I can empty my trash less. 
I shop at Wal-Mart. 
I don't like to cook. 
My house isn't nearly as clean as hers. 
I work part-time, which means I'm not a "real" SAHM. 
Do I read enough to them?
I'm not really crafty.
Is ministry taking too much time away from family?
Is family keeping me from ministry?
My minivan has goldfish and cheerios on the floor.
And that's just the beginning of the MOTHERING guilt...


Then add all the OTHER guilt that gets heaped on as a bonus:
I'm too inpatient with my husband.
I take my husband for grantid.
I haven't worked out since 2007.
Do I have a hobby?
I lose my keys every-other day.
I should be more organized.
I don't ever iron.
My husband folds most of the laundry.
I pay to have my house cleaned once a month.
My back yard has lots of weeds.


I have so much student loan debt (also since 2007...)
We've foreclosed a home.
Short-sold a home.
Foreclosed on our dream lot.
Had a truck re-possessed.


It's a lot of work feeling this guilty all the time.  I remember my SIL Amy encouraging me once as I (literally) cried to her on the phone.  She said, "Jessie, you need to cut yourself some slack."  That was good advice.
And while I try, I also try to remember this:

• There is no condemnation for me, because I am in Christ. (Rom 8:1)
• Guilt is banished through love and truth. (Pr 16:6)
• God's mercy for my is new every morning. (Lam 3:23)
• If I'm content to simply be myself, my life will count for plenty. (Mt 23:12)
• Body and soul, I am marvelously made. (Ps 139)
• I am God's masterpiece, He has made me new in Christ Jesus, so I can do the things He planned for me long ago. (Eph 2:10)
• Everything God created is good and to be received with thanks. (1 Tim 4:4)
• I'm the clay, God is the potter.  I am what He made me to be.  (Is 64:8)

I also have found out that a lot of my guilt is based on what I presume are other people's opinions of me. 
So I also try to remember this:

• If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. (Gal 1:10)
• Don't be selfish, don't try to impress others. (Phil 2:3)
• God pays no attention to what others say (or what I think) about me.  (Rom 2:11)
• It is better for me to take refuge in God, than to trust in people.  (Ps 118:8)

Maybe guilt just comes with the Mama territory.
But I'm still going to fight it.
So today. 
Love. 
Serve. 
Have joy. 
Be thankful. 
That's enough, and good enough for me.


Inspired by this post.

So I take it back...

I was recently inspired by this post.  You should read it.  I pride myself (first mistake) in being thankful.  But I've found an area where I've been a jerk.  My Dave Ramsey car.  I could justify my opinions about my car to you in half a second, maybe even in three words or less. 

BUT I really shouldn't do that.
Why?
(Insert again all those negative, but funny, reasons to hate it.) 
BECAUSE I SHOULD BE A THANKFUL PERSON. 

It's paid for.  When we sold our other car, it helped us become SO much closer to being debt free. (Student loans are all we have left... long road, another post.) I don't have to walk.  I don't  have to ride a bike.  I don't have to wait with my kids and my groceries at a bus stop in 107 degree weather.  I am THANKFUL for these things. 

So I take it back.  I take it ALL back.  I take back all my hilariously crafted words about my car.  And instead I'll love it.  Okay that's a lie.  I'll be thankful for it.  Yes.  I'll also thankful for financial peace.  And some day I'll live like no one else because today I'll live like no one else (props again to Dave, we're on a first name basis at our house, he just doesn't know it).   

My Mason

I love Mason.

Somewhere along the line I've been taught that I don't want to label my kids.  Rightly so.  At the same time, I've also seen parents with a "difficult" kid have to be isolated, because they're not even allowed to say they're having difficulty because it makes them possibly come across as labeling their child as "difficult". 

Seems like a pretty lonely road.

That being said, Mason is difficult.  Lol.  Gosh I love him.  Did I mention that?  He is smart, and sweet, and amazing.  I believe in him.  He's a good boy.  But I'm not going to candy-coat anything, that's for sure.  He is trying sometimes lots of times. 
All these parenting truths by which I stand so firmly: be consistent,  demonstrate manners, teach quick obedience, discipline out of love not anger or embarrassment, this is a season which will pass... somehow are so much harder to implement with my Mason.  He gives strong-willed a new (very handsome) face.  He is knowingly defiant sometimes lots of times.

I've been consistent now for almost two years.  That's a dang long season.  That's a lot of tantrums.  That's a lot of wondering if I'm doing something wrong.  That's a lot of wondering if there's something wrong with him. 

But here's my conclusion: he is who he is.  He's (almost) two.  He needs to be taught, shaped, and molded.  He is who God created him to be.  Mason has been intrusted to our family for a reason.  Just like I can learn to trust God with other unknowns in my life, I can trust God with my Mason too.  I can't expect him to be a certain way just because it would make for easier parenting, right? He's been crafted to be just the way he is, and someday these weakensses will be his strenghts.  He is strong.  Understatment.  He is persistent.  Rediculously understated.  BUT - when shaped and molded these are gifts that can change his world. 

That's hard to remember when I'm picking him off the floor at Wal-Mart while he's laying there snot-faced, kicking, and yelling, "stop it Mama" after throwing his sippy cup at me. 

But I'm trying.   

I'll try to be consistent. 
I'll try to encourage his good behavior. 
I'll try not to lose my temper and feel like a loser. 

I'll also give myself grace. 
I'll also give him grace.
I'll pray sometimes lots of times.
And pick up the sippy cup.

I fiercy love you Mason Scott.  I'm devoted to you.  I'll do my best to show you Jesus and teach you to be like him.  I'm your biggest fan.  You'll change the world someday.  I'm proud of you already.