The Guilt of It All

I feel guilty a lot. 


Some recents:
My kids eat McDonalds, even Taco Bell. 
Today I let Mason eat a bagel off the hotel carpet. 
I shouldn't be so rushed all the time. 
I should let them just be boys. 
Do I let them watch too much TV? 
(Even as I'm typing this I want to justify my actions to you...
including that it was a very clean hotel.) 
I don't buy organic.
I only recycle because it means I can empty my trash less. 
I shop at Wal-Mart. 
I don't like to cook. 
My house isn't nearly as clean as hers. 
I work part-time, which means I'm not a "real" SAHM. 
Do I read enough to them?
I'm not really crafty.
Is ministry taking too much time away from family?
Is family keeping me from ministry?
My minivan has goldfish and cheerios on the floor.
And that's just the beginning of the MOTHERING guilt...


Then add all the OTHER guilt that gets heaped on as a bonus:
I'm too inpatient with my husband.
I take my husband for grantid.
I haven't worked out since 2007.
Do I have a hobby?
I lose my keys every-other day.
I should be more organized.
I don't ever iron.
My husband folds most of the laundry.
I pay to have my house cleaned once a month.
My back yard has lots of weeds.


I have so much student loan debt (also since 2007...)
We've foreclosed a home.
Short-sold a home.
Foreclosed on our dream lot.
Had a truck re-possessed.


It's a lot of work feeling this guilty all the time.  I remember my SIL Amy encouraging me once as I (literally) cried to her on the phone.  She said, "Jessie, you need to cut yourself some slack."  That was good advice.
And while I try, I also try to remember this:

• There is no condemnation for me, because I am in Christ. (Rom 8:1)
• Guilt is banished through love and truth. (Pr 16:6)
• God's mercy for my is new every morning. (Lam 3:23)
• If I'm content to simply be myself, my life will count for plenty. (Mt 23:12)
• Body and soul, I am marvelously made. (Ps 139)
• I am God's masterpiece, He has made me new in Christ Jesus, so I can do the things He planned for me long ago. (Eph 2:10)
• Everything God created is good and to be received with thanks. (1 Tim 4:4)
• I'm the clay, God is the potter.  I am what He made me to be.  (Is 64:8)

I also have found out that a lot of my guilt is based on what I presume are other people's opinions of me. 
So I also try to remember this:

• If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. (Gal 1:10)
• Don't be selfish, don't try to impress others. (Phil 2:3)
• God pays no attention to what others say (or what I think) about me.  (Rom 2:11)
• It is better for me to take refuge in God, than to trust in people.  (Ps 118:8)

Maybe guilt just comes with the Mama territory.
But I'm still going to fight it.
So today. 
Love. 
Serve. 
Have joy. 
Be thankful. 
That's enough, and good enough for me.


Inspired by this post.

Picture This

Silly Gymnastics

Marsh and Maso playing "Piggy-Ride-Back"



Up-Side-Down Brown and Blue



Baby Sumo



Lip Stretches

Chicken Pox!!!

While the boys have been looking a lot like THIS:




We've been doing a lot of THIS:




 And this...




And taking lots of oatmeal these:



 And watching this:



Eating, napping, benadryl-ing, rocking - and A LOT OF TV...
Sorry, we'll cut back to normal once we're not quarantined.  
Hang in there little M boys.  

So I take it back...

I was recently inspired by this post.  You should read it.  I pride myself (first mistake) in being thankful.  But I've found an area where I've been a jerk.  My Dave Ramsey car.  I could justify my opinions about my car to you in half a second, maybe even in three words or less. 

BUT I really shouldn't do that.
Why?
(Insert again all those negative, but funny, reasons to hate it.) 
BECAUSE I SHOULD BE A THANKFUL PERSON. 

It's paid for.  When we sold our other car, it helped us become SO much closer to being debt free. (Student loans are all we have left... long road, another post.) I don't have to walk.  I don't  have to ride a bike.  I don't have to wait with my kids and my groceries at a bus stop in 107 degree weather.  I am THANKFUL for these things. 

So I take it back.  I take it ALL back.  I take back all my hilariously crafted words about my car.  And instead I'll love it.  Okay that's a lie.  I'll be thankful for it.  Yes.  I'll also thankful for financial peace.  And some day I'll live like no one else because today I'll live like no one else (props again to Dave, we're on a first name basis at our house, he just doesn't know it).   

My Mason

I love Mason.

Somewhere along the line I've been taught that I don't want to label my kids.  Rightly so.  At the same time, I've also seen parents with a "difficult" kid have to be isolated, because they're not even allowed to say they're having difficulty because it makes them possibly come across as labeling their child as "difficult". 

Seems like a pretty lonely road.

That being said, Mason is difficult.  Lol.  Gosh I love him.  Did I mention that?  He is smart, and sweet, and amazing.  I believe in him.  He's a good boy.  But I'm not going to candy-coat anything, that's for sure.  He is trying sometimes lots of times. 
All these parenting truths by which I stand so firmly: be consistent,  demonstrate manners, teach quick obedience, discipline out of love not anger or embarrassment, this is a season which will pass... somehow are so much harder to implement with my Mason.  He gives strong-willed a new (very handsome) face.  He is knowingly defiant sometimes lots of times.

I've been consistent now for almost two years.  That's a dang long season.  That's a lot of tantrums.  That's a lot of wondering if I'm doing something wrong.  That's a lot of wondering if there's something wrong with him. 

But here's my conclusion: he is who he is.  He's (almost) two.  He needs to be taught, shaped, and molded.  He is who God created him to be.  Mason has been intrusted to our family for a reason.  Just like I can learn to trust God with other unknowns in my life, I can trust God with my Mason too.  I can't expect him to be a certain way just because it would make for easier parenting, right? He's been crafted to be just the way he is, and someday these weakensses will be his strenghts.  He is strong.  Understatment.  He is persistent.  Rediculously understated.  BUT - when shaped and molded these are gifts that can change his world. 

That's hard to remember when I'm picking him off the floor at Wal-Mart while he's laying there snot-faced, kicking, and yelling, "stop it Mama" after throwing his sippy cup at me. 

But I'm trying.   

I'll try to be consistent. 
I'll try to encourage his good behavior. 
I'll try not to lose my temper and feel like a loser. 

I'll also give myself grace. 
I'll also give him grace.
I'll pray sometimes lots of times.
And pick up the sippy cup.

I fiercy love you Mason Scott.  I'm devoted to you.  I'll do my best to show you Jesus and teach you to be like him.  I'm your biggest fan.  You'll change the world someday.  I'm proud of you already.